I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
