Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
