i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
