Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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