i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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