This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
