sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
