Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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