so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
