I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
