so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
