i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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