Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
