hotel room ftw
4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize