we made out on top of his cat.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
