Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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