He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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