I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My life is pants optional.
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