In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
