The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
