is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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