guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
