I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i was born a porn star she said
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
