if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
