I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
