rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
