I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
