i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
