So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
we're making bets on your personal life
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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