Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
