What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
