dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
