What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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