i think i have two assholes
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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