Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
