I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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