you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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