So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
