I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
