Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
whose parrot is this?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
