The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
