I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
