The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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