I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
