I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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