What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
