At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
