I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
