Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
