My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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