Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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